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These little things can slowly kill your marriage

People usually expect that marriages die due to very traumatic hits on trust, love etc., however I am of the opinion that some little things can cause even worse rifts between married couples. In reverse too, small seemingly insignificant things can also become stands of wool coming together to form stronger cords holding a couple together.

I’d like to discuss some of those little habits that can cause a couple to drift apart:

  1. Secrets: No matter what’s being kept hidden, I am of the opinion that building a wall in the heart for whatever reason is bad to the unity that should exist between married couples for a stronger and more lasting marriage. Certain private codes and passwords do not necessarily constitute “secrets”, however, knowing something the other should know and hiding it from the person is what we mean by keeping secrets. Every day should present a fresh opportunity to know and be known; to be more open and exposed; to be more “naked” in the eyes of each other. Once each person tries to protect themselves, they begin to break away from this “unity” from this “oneness” which the Sacrament of Matrimony works in them.
  1. Forming emotional bond with another: This one constitutes “cheating". We know that to so many people “cheating" means having extramarital affairs. However, anyone who understands marital love knows that forming emotional bonds with another person other than your marital partner constitutes cheating as well, which act greatly threatens the unity of the couple. Do not engage in soft, sensual talks with anyone other than your marital partner. Do not call someone at odd hours, engaging in heart-to-heart talks since that position should already have been filled by the one in whose life you’ve vowed to share for life. If you have family members who have issues you can talk to them freely, this does not count, but no friend, no colleague, no ex-girlfriend or boyfriend’s emotional issues should ever become a subject of secret and long discussions, especially when such friends are people of opposite sex and such conversations could lead to the development of some kind of fondness that should exist between man and wife.
  2. Apologize properly: have you done anything to hurt your marital partner? Don’t simply say “sorry", really show it. Do not leave the person alone until they accept your apology. To so many people, the more silent you are after doing something wrong, the harder it is for them to accept your apology later. Do not be defensive, do not argue, do not give silly excuses, when you do not know or didn’t mean to hurt them you can say that, but NEVER give reasons to justify what you did. As long as the other has taken offense for some good reason, help them out of sadness first before you tell them about over reactions or before engaging in self-defensive if you think this is absolutely required. But I always advise against it.
  3. Don’t play god: don’t let the other person do everything for you, take little glory and take all the blame when some issue comes up. It is important to know that as long as marriage is concerned you two are equal; each person must be willing to play the fool from time to time, to accept responsibility from time to time, and take care of each other’s feelings and emotions. Whenever pride creeps into the heart and one does something they shouldn’t, they MUST apologize and make up for their flaws. It is vital to remember that humility helps cover up our bad pasts. You could promise a million times to never repeat something, as long as you’re really humble and honest about it, your marital partner can live with it. As long as the “thing" isn’t some mortally bad thing. Should you over react sometimes by shouting at your marital partner when they wrong you, you must humble yourself and apologize, admit you did overreact and try to grow.
  4. Gossips: never discuss your marital partner with outsiders. Whatever the issue be, talk with either your partner or a priest who can help you. You are allowed to discuss your marital partner when there’s a big issue you two cannot handle, you can either decide together to consult someone, or one person can talk gently to their parent (if this will help). Never discuss your partner in a way that simply exposes their flaws to others, or simply reporting them to people. Every discussion must be necessary and constructive, you must admit your own flaws to someone competent to counsel you both and seek growth. Again, never believe negative things people say about your marital partner, do not even listen to them at all. If you have any doubts simply ask your partner for clarification. Trust is an essential part of your love, once doubt is born; your love begins to crack. Secrecy, gossip, doubt all target to damage the love between couples.


Do not lie to your partner, even things that they’d find distasteful, tell the truth anyway. There can be NO justification for lying to your partner. Unless it’s for health reasons, maybe they’d not handle for instance the death of a parent properly; such news could be put off for a later time. However, aside cases such as this, I doubt I could support any other motive for lying especially when those motives are selfish.

Do not neglect your partner when they’re unusually quiet. Never leave them alone. Ask what the problem is, keep “pestering" them gently and lovingly, even when they keep saying “nothing" or “am okay", give them a hug and a kiss and reassure them of your love and care. Do all you can to cheer them up without chocking them.

Do not make them cry, and when you do, NEVER leave them alone. Apologize and make up immediately.

They should never pass by you tens of times without receiving a gentle touch or a playful tap on the back. When they walk with you, hold their hands once in a while. Hold each other in bed once in a while, physical contacts such as these help to deepen love and trust between couples. When you love, and they love, and each of you has faith in the love you share, nothing can break you apart.

Tell each other your daily experiences. There must be something to talk about in bed, do not just jump in bed every night and sleep off (You could in extraordinary cases where both of you are seriously tired, but try saying a word or two still). Some couples allow their mobile phones to usurp the place of heart-to-heart bed-talks in their marriages. You must be mindful of this; it doesn’t mean that you MUST engage in long talks every night, but you must discuss something no matter how brief. Something fun and exciting if any or just your emotional state at the time or throughout the day. This provides opportunity to receive and give emotional support which engenders closeness between couples.


These are the few I could think of, have any more? Add them below!

God bless and prosper your marriages!



  1. Jean Reply

    I think emotional abuse is bad. To be controlling is a marriage buster. No communication one way or another can kill any kindness or forgiveness one may have

  2. Alfonso Caballero Reply


  3. steve Reply

    your advise is really sound and i agree with you in every way.

  4. Namanya Rwiza Reply

    Thanks for such educating message! Be blessed

  5. Brenda Lovett (@brenda_lovett) Reply

    My biggest problem is that I can’t discuss my faith and church activities because my husband doesn’t believe. I keep praying for him but it is something that I want to share with him so badly. It’s such a huge part of my life.

    1. patracie Reply

      Hi Brenda
      You have to ask God for this grace. I used to want so much to have my husband walk arm and arm with me to mass like so many couples I saw going to church together. I prayed and told God how much I longed,to have this too. My husband was no church goer and weak in his Anglican faith. If you think about it, why would God not want you to have what would give Him such great joy as well. Nothing is impossible with God. He answered my fervent prayer. I did not pray everyday or even often for this, but God, I know, saw my earnest longing whenever I prayed on this. Praise God, my husband today is a Catholic who never misses Sunday mass and we love going to church together to honor the Lord. Keep praying earnestly and do not tell God when or how…rest assured He will give you the grace according to His time.

  6. Visuca Mazo de Hopley Reply

    Thank you all for all this VERY GOOD advise, counselling and comments. Oh, if only!… When all else fails… PRAY: as Pope St. John Paul says, “Never give up, never loose hope” -Amen- .

  7. Susan Reply

    Do not bring the phone to bed. Instead of reading something or chatting on whatsapp group, the partner should talk to each other or cuddle. Smartphones has its cons too

  8. MaryC Reply

    Even if you don’t have time for date night meet for lunch or something and have mini dates just the two of you.

  9. Sarita Jimenez Reply

    Is this available in Spanish? I loved it.

  10. Aaron Reply

    great article but how many out there faithfully follow through this…
    i do not know how i came across this article but i can say I’m guilty of being the always quiet one whenever, wherever. And i am also the one who is always at the receiving end of verbal expletives. My wife has such temperament that in the end i will just shut myself in and be the ‘giving in’ party. so much for give and take. From putting me down, being critical of my family members but for the sake of my kids, i am still holding it in and not erupting. i too long for a more loving relationship but it is through the years of being treated unjustly just because i give in easily that i became wary of each and every actions/words that i use. I did consider marriage counseling or talking to a priest from church though. But will my constant giving in and easy going demeanor be my ultimate downfall…

    1. Kathy Reply

      Aaron, please, please do not keep your unhappiness quiet! My husband did for the last few years, he said-but when he finally told me, he prefaced it by saying he no longer loved me and he had started an affair with his high school girlfriend. He left his seven children and me, and chose adultery over family. Our marriage of 30 years is now ending, as is hers, of 40 years. Two families destroyed.
      Please, I beg you, talk to her- she may not know she is doing this. I didn’t.

  11. Dolores Reply

    Pray together before going to bed.

  12. Julian Reply

    Went through a lot of doubts and uncertainties for 13 years. Confused and full of guilt. Unable to map out what was happening. Everyhing that altered me to who i am today. Recently i was offered a new lease to which i could not find an interest to partake.I am not a perfect person myself. But after reading through these paragraphs word to word, i realise i was infact not a weirdo with over expectation and definately not a heartless unforgiving monster afterall.Thx.

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