“I’m Proud of You”
In his book “Surviving Your Child’s Adolescence,” Dr. Carl Pickhardt, a psychologist says that you shouldn’t simply give your child a general statement of encouragement because: “Now the child feels responsible for parental pride (‘How you acted makes me proud to be me.’)”
Instead: “It’s better for the parent to place credit where it belongs: ‘Good for you,'” he suggests. This places the credit with the child and not the parent. Something to think about.
“It is far more helpful in terms of encouragement and building self-esteem if you focus on how your child achieved whatever he or she accomplished.”
– Social psychologist and bestselling author Dr. Susan Newman
When you try more specific feedback your child will benefit from it more examples of scenarios below:
Your child brought home good grades: “You got all As, you must have worked really hard.”
Your child’s team won: “I liked the way you passed the ball so your teammate could score.”
Your child drew a nice picture: “What made you choose those pretty colors?” or “How did you figure out the design/shape?”
“Parental reactions like the above get a child thinking about the process and working toward a goal,” Newman says. “‘Great job, what a smart boy, you are wonderful’ and the like become white noise after a while.”
You Should Set a Good Example for Your Brother”
Older siblings can act out, perhaps out of jealousy due to the extra attention a younger sibling may be receiving.
Try this instead: Dr. Katharine Kersey, professor of early childhood education at Old Dominion University in Norfolk, Va., suggests : “Your brother looks up to you; you’re such a good role model!”
“Wait Until Your Father/Mother Gets Home”
Never pass the buck, both parents should share equal responsibility in disciplining the child.
Try this instead: “You’re grounded for one week because you said a bad word.” Don’t postpone penalties — handle them yourself and right then.
“I Will Never Forgive You”,
It is tempting to say something like this in a haste when a child does something really terrible. However if we think about it, words like these could be truly damaging to a child. Pickhardt says, “Now the child feels that whatever has been done will forever be remembered against them.”
Try this instead: “It’s better for the parent to say: ‘What you did was harmful, but we will find a way to leave this behind us and carry on,'” he recommends. Take a deep breath or two to avoid making a hasty and damaging statement.
“I’m Ashamed of You”
Pickhardt thinks that this phrase “make the child feel like a disgrace in the family.”
instead: “It’s better for the parent to say: ‘Although I feel badly about what you did, as always I love who you are,” Kersey suggests.
“Don’t Worry, Everything Will Be OK”
Are your kids concerned or disturbed about something? Don’t brush aside their pains and worries — address them immediately. Dr. Newman says “better to explain how you as a parent will do everything you can to keep your child safe.”
“Here, I’ll Do it” : Do not let frustration and impatience make you take over a child’s tasks, help them learn and grow instead. Be patient and collaborate with them, they learn better and most importantly they feel loved.
“Don’t Cry” : Letting stuff out can be helpful sometimes. Do not encourage them to bottle thing up, help them deal with emotional issues.
“Thinking About Sex Is Bad at Your Age” : Do not lie to them about sex, let them know it is God who made those urges and teach them how to channel their energies to positive things and wait for the appointed them to express their sexual love in marriage.
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